Motives and Motivation

Awake at 0405 this morning with the committee in full session. The initial excitement has been partially replaced with fear. Not overwhelming or debilitating, but fear nonetheless. Here is where my familiarity with the program of Alcoholics Anonymous might give me a hand up.

I looked up some of the ‘Promises’ in AA’s Big Book. While the promises generally refer to a few paragraphs on pages 84 and 85, this woman went much deeper and listed promises associated with several different chapters and specific steps http://friendsofbillw.net/the_big_book_promises.  Two, one actually from Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12x12) jumped out at me.

” The promise associated with step eight: ‘ If that degree of humility could enable us to find the grace by which such a deadly obsession could be banished, then there must be hope of the same result respecting any other problem we could possibly have.(12&12 p76)’”

and

‘‘The promises associated with step eleven: ’ In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don't struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for a while. (p86)’”

So there is the basis of it. I spoke in my last post about doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I have thought about my options long and hard. There is a medical procedure which, if I do my part, can help solve a problem, which while not about alcohol compulsion, is a very serious health issue. Certainly a likely candidate for a positive result with the help of a spiritual reliance on a higher power. Then there is the issue of trusting my decision-making process. I have indeed prayed for inspiration. Part of the process of acting on an intuitive thought has to do with motives.

Motives can be tricky things, but I think I am secure in my motives. I have found myself in a helping profession. But it is a well-known fact that one can’t give away what one doesn’t have. The job I have is physically and emotionally strenuous. I have to be at the top of my game to do it. This procedure will help me do it better and easier. It’s time I made the move to protect my health and my ability to keep doing a challenging and worthwhile job I love and have been trained to do.

The people at my district in Guffey believed in me. Former Chief Gene Stanley believed in me. They supported me emotionally and monetarily so I can provide an important service to people who need what I have to offer.  While I can’t deny it will be nice to possibly wear a pair of skinny jeans and look nice in my clothes again, vanity is not my primary motive in this. The motive is health, vitality and continuing to lead a purposeful life for the sake of myself and others. I want to be useful. There are other ways to be useful, to be sure, but this is one I want to continue to practice as long as I can.

So what is the fear about? I’ve had surgeries before. My right foot, both knees, both shoulders:  all yielded to the scalpel. But this is by far the most serious thing I have ever let myself in for. Not surprising it should be scary. It’s a major life change and it means a change for life…the rest of my life.

 I quit smoking almost 30 years ago. But while one can give up cigarettes, one cannot give up food. If this process is a marathon, then the surgery gives me a head start on the race, but I still have to run it to the end.

But I do not have to run it alone. That’s what I have to remember. I am getting help from all directions, just as I did when I began my training to be a PIO.  My husband, daughter Lisa  and son Jeff,  sister Mary Ann, friends, colleagues and medical professionals are all available to help. And I have a spiritual resource that will be there for me even if the rest of the safety net should develop a rip. I may be a bit of an old dog, but I’ve already proved more than once that I have a few new tricks left in me.

I guess the simplest answer to why I want to do this is that I choose life. I refuse to be defined by my genetics. If there is a way to climb over or hike around this wall I want to do it. Notice I didn’t say I’ll TRY to do it.  What did Yoda say? “Do or do not. There is no try.”