Three Days Out Thursday

Surgery was Monday at 1230. First afternoon was rough but I expected that. No pain in the abdominal area because they used a nifty gizmo called OnQ. When I first got it, it was about the size of a softball. inside a clear plastic pouch with tubes coming out of it and ending in a small insertion point right above the area where the laproscopic incisions are. The drug is bupivacaine, which the nurse likened to novacaine. Local anesthetic so no fuzzy headedness from percocet. Did take a small amount of that but only at bedtime and to deal with some ongoing headaches. Also had a Tylenol drip. Pretty much stayed in bed the first day and evening of surgery. clear liquids. I was so over broth it gagged me to look at it. Didn't sleep hardly at all. Does anyone sleep well in the hospital? Finally at 0230 I had the nurse dig out my ear plugs so I couldn't hear the inflatable bags that they put on my legs inflate and deflate every 45 seconds or so. Then I slept till 0430 and was up for the day. 

Got some phone calls. What a difference now that they allow having cell phones in the hospital. Most communication I've received has been from Facebook. Have had wonderful support from friends, colleagues and family. It all has felt like a great big warm hug. 

Got the gist of the tiny swallows and tiny bites and limited amounts my stomach can hold. Took a few turns around the floor hallways, so got the inflatable things off my legs. Got praise from the nurses and doctor for moving around so well and having absolutely no nausea, which I guess can be a real problem for some patients. My only real discomfort came from the headaches and tubes they put down my throat during surgery. Had no voice first day, but that came almost back with alot of sinus issues the second day. By now I'm pretty much back to having the same lousy sinuses I've always had and my voice is back. 

Came home with the little then baseball-size ball of local pain killer and as the dosage decreased started getting a little discomfort around the abdomen. Took a total of 1 1/2 perocet, 1/2 at a time from morning until bed time. Started doing the water, strained soup, protein drink routine and continuing that today.

Today I woke up feeling really good. Got out of bed and gathered up all my laundry and had Dave take it downstairs to the washer for me. Can't carry anything heavy for a while. It was promised that my energy level would be good at this point and I have to verify this is true.

It is a struggle to put all the stuff in my mouth and stomach that I have to on a two hour schedule with water in between. One interesting twist is that I really don't crave sweet drinks like Crystal light or even sugar free jello. Water tastes much better all by itself. It has been easier today to drink my small sips without feeling like there's no room for it, but I still fill up very fast. It is important (as recommended) to abstain from drinking anything for a half hour before and a half hour after the 'meal' which is the soup stuff or a protein drink. Primary mission is to get the protein when I'm supposed to get it. Then between, get the water. Right now six glasses, moving toward 8 glasses eventually.

On the problematic side, I ordered lots of supplies, protein powder,  shake mixers, cookbooks, vitamins  from Amazon and the order got lost. Was due here on the 7th and when I called FedEx this morning they denied ever receiving the order from Amazon even though I had a tracking number. The only problems I ever have with shipping are with FedEx. I begged Amazon to please ship the replacement order by UPS. They are sending it overnight but I don't know who the carrier is. Should have it tomorrow.

Meanwhile, time to put laundry from the washer into the drier and another load in the washer. I'm having no pain at all and the 'pain ball' is shrinking down to the shape of a cylinder, so it's probably almost gone. Then Dave will help me take it out, probably tomorrow. Have called for a 2-week follow up appointment with Dr. Brown but haven't heard back yet. Would like to get out for a short walk this afternoon, but not with dogs, as I'm afraid they might pull me down. Maybe around Kendrick Lake.

The Night Before S-Day

It's the night before the big day. S-day, surgery day. I've contacted a lot of people personally, by phone or email to share what's going to happen, and I just spilled the beans (so to speak) on Facebook. So, I'm out. Out of the anchor around my midsection closet. So far the response has been universally positive and supportive. I put the blog address in my Facebook post, but I doubt many will come around to read it. I don't expect it. Like most writers (or so I've heard) I'm doing this for myself...the blog as well as the surgery. No one could have forced me or cajoled me to do this. I must do it for myself.

I think of it as a life affirming choice.

Physically, the prep for this surgery following immediately on the heels of a colonoscopy and the prep for that, has been pretty grueling. But my colonoscopy was clean, and I'll go to bed in a little while and by tomorrow night at this time it will be a done deal. And reportedly, contrary to my current state which, in spite of drinking endless amounts of water, beef broth, sugar free jello, blah, blah, blah, resembles starvation (I have a splitting headache now), I will not be hungry when I wake up. Watch this space. The adventure begins. Thanks to everyone who has been so supportive, especially my husband, Dave.

Related articles

As I ponder my own attitude toward my body and why I am doing what I am doing, here are links to other women's musings about body image and attitudes.

On Letting Go of my Large Breasts
http://huff.to/1esQywU

Why is being thin the female ambition
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-health/10607040/Getting-thin-why-is-it-the-ultimate-female-ambition.html

Body Image Heroes
http://m.huffpost.com/us/slideshow/335661

Mourning

It's morning. And I'm pretty sure I'm mourning. This morning I'm to have a 'light' breakfast and then on to a clear liquid diet in preparation for my colonoscopy on Friday. Followed by three more days of clear liquid diet leading up to my gastric sleeve surgery on Monday. Had a couple of squares of Dove chocolate last night before bed. Taps played in my head. We went out to dinner at Carrabbas, there's a new one out at Denver West. Didn't like what I ordered. The salad was lousy and the pasta dish mediocre. Not a great 'last supper.' Practiced taking teeny tiny sips of my water and teeny tiny bites, chewing thoroughly. Even tried to swallow slowly. Knowing that this is my future.

Attended a two hour prep class for the surgery yesterday and tried really hard to feel a part of the group of women who shared the table with me as we went through our binders and learned all the ins and outs of getting through the weeks after surgery. Two of them have their surgery just ahead of me on Monday. They all seem really nice. They have been in a class together for a few weeks doing supervised weight loss that I don't have to do. Their insurance required it. Medicare didn't. There is a support group that I want to attend. But that's later. Since that class I've bought protein powders, protein drinks, shaker bottles for mixing said powders with milk (skimmed or 1%). I even got a couple of cook books and a book that claims to be an emotional support book for life after bariatric surgery. I bought vitamins. Multi-vitamins, calcium chews, B-12 chews, Today I need to get Gatorade to mix with my laxative for my colonoscopy, baby spoons and forks so I don't choke myself eating...when I can eat again.

The cherry on the sundae of my day was that I lost my debit card. Used it to buy my and David's dinner at Carrabbas and when I went to get it out of my wallet to order a Valentine's present for granddaughter Ashlinn on Zulilly.com it was not there. So I reported it missing and had it cancelled...7-10 days to wait for a replacement. Not that I'm going to be going anyplace for the next 7-10 days. I have a few checks and my Amazon Chase credit card, so it could be worse.

So far this post has been pretty negative. I'm sure my angst is showing. But like I said, I think I can safely say I'm in mourning.

As I came out of my sleep this morning, Dave had his arms around me, and as he usually does, he was moving his fingers over my hip and thigh under my nightgown. Very nice. Then an ugly picture came into my mind. In most of the cities we visited in Europe there was a monument to the victims of the medieval plagues, the Black Death. One monument pictured an old crone, emaciated with shriveled breasts and a grimace on her face being held down by a pudgy, winged, cherub wielding a weapon of some sort. A trident? A sword? This scene was the representation of the plague being vanquished by God's avenging angels. Anyway, for some reason, that's the image that popped into my mind as Dave lovingly ran his fingers across my skin. An emaciated crone with the rectus of death on her face. BTW it occurred to me when first looking at this particular monument that it was patently offensive to depict the plague in the persona of a woman!

So, it's time to put some stuff in perspective.

This surgery will not change who I am. My skin will still be soft, and while I will inevitable end up with what I only half-jokingly call 'witch tits' when I lose a lot of my excess weight, the positive will more than make up for the soft, round body I'll be losing.  I look forward to being able to lace up my boots while sitting on the ground inside my tent come fire season. I envision myself bending over with ease when I drop something on the floor, getting up gracefully from my favorite chair, without the muffled groan that I suppress now, feeling the extra stress I'm putting on my knees. I look forward to walking up Green Mountain in May, when the wildflowers bloom up there, with a spring in my step and breathing easier on the trail. I see myself scrambling up the mountainsides in American Basin at the base of Cinnamon Pass in the San Juan Mountains, in pursuit of a cluster of columbines to photograph. Maybe, and it's a BIG maybe, I'll even do a cartwheel again.

I am trading my soft, Rubenesque curves for a more healthy, albeit bonier frame. When I told Dave what I had decided to do, all he said was "I just want you to be healthy." That is what I want, too.

But as part of that decision, I will never, ever, be able to have the same relationship with food that I have had for almost all of my life. That is where the mourning comes in. I am putting aside my last physical addiction. And it will most likely be the toughest of all. I quit smoking. I quit drinking. I cannot just quit eating. This upcoming adventure will require more spiritual and emotional fortitude than any other endeavor I have attempted.

In the words of the inimitable House Speaker John Boehner, (and the only time I will ever quote him, I might add) "So be it."

Putting the Wheels in Motion

Things continue to fall into place for the surgery on Monday, Feb 10. I was a bit nervous about my appointment with Dr. Schultz, my Primary Care Doctor. I did not make my decision to have this surgery in concert with him. When I went to his office to get him to sign my referral for the Bariatric doctor, he said he wouldn’t sign without seeing me for a preop checkup.  That was reasonable considering I hadn’t gone in for a checkup in the last year. (I’ve been disgustingly healthy, which he was kind enough to affirm when I had my checkup on Monday). He also affirmed my decision to have the surgery. As he left the examination room he said “You’ll live longer for getting this surgery.” WOW!

His only qualification was to encourage me to get a colonoscopy before surgery. It’s been 10 years since my last one and my mom died of colon cancer so that was also a reasonable request. I hate getting those things, though. I had been putting it off for as long as I could. But my back was up against the wall. My only hope was that the colonoscopy doctor would not be able to get me in before the date of my operation. Even that cog slipped into place. Dr. Sellers, right down the hall from Dr. Schultz's office had a cancellation so I’m on for the dreaded procedure this Friday at 12:30. As a result, I’ll be on clear liquids and the colonoscopy swill beginning on Thursday. That will mean I’m on clear liquids Thursday through the end of the next week. As I whined to my daughter, that should give the weight loss a big kick start! Yuk!

But seriously, it does make me a bit nervous. As I have said all the pieces have fallen into place so far. My last colonoscopy was clean, no polyps. But should there be any problems detected with this one, it could all fall apart. But I will not worry about that….as Scarlett O’Hara said, “I’ll worry about that tomorrow--or the next day, or the day after that.”

So, meanwhile, the day after my colonoscopy is the first meeting/training day for the Jeffco Incident Management Team of which I am a member. They always serve pizza for lunch. I’ll be having yellow or green sugar free jello (no orange or red jello because it appears as blood in the intestine) and unsweetened tea. I’ll make some Chinese jasmine green tea to take. It is very comforting and SO GOOD FOR ME! I really do like it alot. Oh, and don’t forget the Crystal Light!

Ah, yes, but it is all for a good cause. I am a good cause, right? What are a few days of discomfort compared to the benefits that will accrue to my health and quality of life.

Was grateful today for the friendship of a lovely lady with whom I have shared both good and bad times. She came out in lousy, snowy weather today to have lunch with me. We had a lovely lunch and a long, long conversation which buoyed my spirits and stiffened my spine. I spoke in my first post about the support system I know is there for me if only I will make use of it. This was an example of that. Thank, you, my friend.

Motives and Motivation

Awake at 0405 this morning with the committee in full session. The initial excitement has been partially replaced with fear. Not overwhelming or debilitating, but fear nonetheless. Here is where my familiarity with the program of Alcoholics Anonymous might give me a hand up.

I looked up some of the ‘Promises’ in AA’s Big Book. While the promises generally refer to a few paragraphs on pages 84 and 85, this woman went much deeper and listed promises associated with several different chapters and specific steps http://friendsofbillw.net/the_big_book_promises.  Two, one actually from Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (12x12) jumped out at me.

” The promise associated with step eight: ‘ If that degree of humility could enable us to find the grace by which such a deadly obsession could be banished, then there must be hope of the same result respecting any other problem we could possibly have.(12&12 p76)’”

and

‘‘The promises associated with step eleven: ’ In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don't struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for a while. (p86)’”

So there is the basis of it. I spoke in my last post about doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I have thought about my options long and hard. There is a medical procedure which, if I do my part, can help solve a problem, which while not about alcohol compulsion, is a very serious health issue. Certainly a likely candidate for a positive result with the help of a spiritual reliance on a higher power. Then there is the issue of trusting my decision-making process. I have indeed prayed for inspiration. Part of the process of acting on an intuitive thought has to do with motives.

Motives can be tricky things, but I think I am secure in my motives. I have found myself in a helping profession. But it is a well-known fact that one can’t give away what one doesn’t have. The job I have is physically and emotionally strenuous. I have to be at the top of my game to do it. This procedure will help me do it better and easier. It’s time I made the move to protect my health and my ability to keep doing a challenging and worthwhile job I love and have been trained to do.

The people at my district in Guffey believed in me. Former Chief Gene Stanley believed in me. They supported me emotionally and monetarily so I can provide an important service to people who need what I have to offer.  While I can’t deny it will be nice to possibly wear a pair of skinny jeans and look nice in my clothes again, vanity is not my primary motive in this. The motive is health, vitality and continuing to lead a purposeful life for the sake of myself and others. I want to be useful. There are other ways to be useful, to be sure, but this is one I want to continue to practice as long as I can.

So what is the fear about? I’ve had surgeries before. My right foot, both knees, both shoulders:  all yielded to the scalpel. But this is by far the most serious thing I have ever let myself in for. Not surprising it should be scary. It’s a major life change and it means a change for life…the rest of my life.

 I quit smoking almost 30 years ago. But while one can give up cigarettes, one cannot give up food. If this process is a marathon, then the surgery gives me a head start on the race, but I still have to run it to the end.

But I do not have to run it alone. That’s what I have to remember. I am getting help from all directions, just as I did when I began my training to be a PIO.  My husband, daughter Lisa  and son Jeff,  sister Mary Ann, friends, colleagues and medical professionals are all available to help. And I have a spiritual resource that will be there for me even if the rest of the safety net should develop a rip. I may be a bit of an old dog, but I’ve already proved more than once that I have a few new tricks left in me.

I guess the simplest answer to why I want to do this is that I choose life. I refuse to be defined by my genetics. If there is a way to climb over or hike around this wall I want to do it. Notice I didn’t say I’ll TRY to do it.  What did Yoda say? “Do or do not. There is no try.”